Something I found

If a Man Wants You

By Salma Rumman

This advice was passed along to me from a counselor; it was great to hear so I wanted to share it.

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve

then heck no, you can't "be friends."

A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself

a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,

Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has

more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.

Oh Lord!  If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you allowhim to treat you.

All men are not dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.

You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him—he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

 

Share this with other ladies.

You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate

them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.

 

Learning experience

Every failed relationship is a learning experience. Every current relationship is a learning experience whether it be romantic or platonic. But within each relationship you have remain at a point that you are willing to let it go if it's not fit for you. Then and only then can you take the power back. Take control of your heart and mind back. Ive learned allot over the past few months and I'm thankful for that. For the good and the bad. It has truly pushed me in the direction of deep soul searching and drawing me to want that relationship with God again. That's where I found my true peace before in my life. Not in man but in God. No love for any human being should be greater than the love you have for God.
So I'm asking God continuously for wisdom and understanding. To send me in the direction that he sees fit for me. To create relationships that are healthy and are balanced. But before I open myself to any romantic relationships for him to work on me first. Then to guide me in his direction on his timing.
I'm praying for these bricks to be lifted off of my heart, because Love shouldn't hurt.
Submitting completely to his will

LoveShirl

My shoes

People don't ever put themselves in your shoes and take the time to realize how much their actions hurt you.

Cancer

You hurt me.
You stole my future my innocence my everything.
And the hate that I first grew for you is like a cancer. It was cut out and I got better then some where in there was a tiny piece that grew again. It engulfed my heart , crushed my soul and swallowed my self esteem.
Then I got better.
But today I'm sick again!
The cancer is back and like before I hate you!
I hate the very air that you breath because I know that some where along the line it will pass through me. Feeding the cancer and slowly kill me inside.
You hurt me , you murdered me.
So today I'm struggling because every relapse that I overcome I grow stronger.
So I'm asking God today fill my cup , to top off my strength so that will have one drop to much to fight you today.
To fight the spirit that has filled you evil soul!

Why?

-Why can't we as human beings live in a world where constant games aren't required to sustain a some what healthy relationship?
-Why do egos constantly need stroking?
-Why can't I say how much I love you on any given day as a release of an overfilled pot, with out it becoming misconstrued and taken as a sign of weakness?
-Why are the good times great and the bad times... Well just bad?
-Why does my smile wonder how long it's going to last? & my frowns never seem to go away fast?
-Why do I constantly worry for others but wonder if anyone worries for me?
-Why do I want to give some much?
-Why does doing for others feel so great? But doing for myself always seems to come too late?
-Why does this thing called love drive you so crazy?

Love Sick

I'm nauseous with guilt,
and aching with Love,

Purely painfully filled with emotion,
Throwing up gallons of devotion,
Lying on a love song,
While my world is spinning so wrong,

Stumbling on words
Resuscitation. Heart filled curds of,

Love Choking on Realities mixed with 12 shots of imagination,
Breath...
Chest rising gasping for diamond filled glittery endings,
Breath..
Exhale..
Fainting under the spell of gut clenching butterflies
Breath
Breath

Flat lined on Love Reaching for whimsical clouds
Smothering applauding heart strings , singing crowds..

 Breath...............

I'll take the blame.
That was way to easy but I'll take that blame.
I'll say what no one else wanted to say and I'll go through the pain.
I'll take the blame

Rebound girl

She's the one that was there for you when she thought It was over way before it actually ended.
She cared , she loved,
She gave some what of her all,
Then months into it she finds that really its not over,
The shit you guys had or rather still have its not over,
It never was,
Conversations of keeping it real,
We're just that,
Conversations.
Never converted into actions,
She's your rebound chic,
The one that makes you feel good when the going gets tough,
The one who in her head was thinking the efforts were going towards a happy ending,
But rather being deposited into a bankrupt bank,
Shes everything you want but truly can't have,
She's your rebound chic,
The lies and the good times,
Living in a happy fantasy,
Never facing the unhappy moments,
The things that hurt us,
Because its not a true relationship,
She's your rebound chic,
Looking good on your arm,
And when it's all said and done you throw her away,
Your her go,
Lead her to believe that long term was a possibility,
And following through was never your responsibility,
She's your rebound chic,
And she never realized it.
Until now.
Her heart has been crushed and her feelings depleted,
Over it all!
Now let's just have fun

Acts of betrayal

There are those moments in life when your heart jumps. That moment when you remember such hurtful things. The time when the person you love lied or said hurtful things.
Forgiveness isn't everything it should be the memory that we should be able to erase. Because those little moments carry on forever. They take constant effort to keep pushing it to the back of your mind. To push a smile through.
Because honestly you'll always wish it never happened and once it does , it changes something inside of you. The way you see that person.You can no longer see them the same.
But in some crazy way I think there are benefits from such situations. Those little lies, actions of betrayal. They bring you back to reality. They bring your head out of the clouds from beyond lovers land and make you see that person for who they truly are minus the tinted shades. You get to see that person for the flawed human being that we all are.
What comes into question is....
Do I love you that much to see beyond those flaws?
Is our love that strong that we still progress into a greater love?
Am I strong enough within myself to keep from acting in the same manner?

Catering to self

My issue isn't with people. It's with me staying true to myself. I seem to get derailed at my most vulnerable moments. I love hard which is a positive and a negative.
I'm always choosing to take care of everyone but myself, because that's what I enjoy doing. But reality is I've got to come first. I need to make sure I'm well taken care of first and foremost. Then everything else will fall into place.
It's about me these days and how I feel and the direction I want to take my life in. Can't cater to anyone else before I cater to self!

I want to be the best me that I can possibly be!

?

This is what it is.. No blinders no nothing.. True self..
The question is? Do I see myself in it for the long run? Are these the qualities that I've written? Are these the faults that I'm willing to love? What's my limit? What's the deal breaker?
But is it true self? Am I blinded ?
To hell with it all
You take risk in life right?
You gamble on a good game.
You live it like it's your last and if it ain't you live to the next and proceed to live that as if it's your last.
Taking chances is never what it's cracked up to be.. First you get the adrenaline rush , the infatuation, the lust of love , and even true love. Then you wonder , you fear, you question..
Is this what we really want? Can we make it past the I got to know you part? Am I really ready to completely trust you %100 or am I capable of trusting %100?
If I question a move is that a deduction from my overall percentage?
These feelings I have right now can I constantly suppress them or will they eventually , forcefully explode?
The questions I have can they ever be received as a positive experience?
Damn relationships! Or what ever we call it these days..
Am I ready for it?
Do I want it?
The more we wait the more the scale tips to the other side..
Someone's always wanting more then the other.. Can that ever be fixed?
Can there ever be a true happy balance? Or does that one that wants
It more eventually fall off? Do the
Scales tip so low that the imbalance is inevitable?

Not sure..

I’m so sure about allot of things, like how I want to raise my child and the fact that I need succeed in life. But I’m unsure about allot more. I think I’m just tired of not knowing. Not knowing where my life is going to end up. What’s up ahead. I have this vision of what it should’ve been but in no way am I on that path. I’m a big ball of what if’s and possibilities. Rolling down a road unknown, a bit out of control. I have writers block in my book of life. But I’m not complaining I’m releasing. Because in no way will this hinder the process. ‘Something will be done.

Reality

God sure has a funny way of pulling you back to reality ..
If it be through someone's actions or a senseless comment..
Hurts but it's for the best.
Reality is that it aint so much what it should be.
Giving the best of both worlds.
And it hurts.
I want something that's not possible right now, but acting as if it is..
And secretly im twisted and confused .
But I'm still there because I want to be.
God sure has a way of giving your heart a shot of reality and it stings ..
But I'm still there.
Holding back drops of reality climbing down my face as my pillow soaks it up.

Ain't nothin like it

There's nothing like finding your soulmate..
You know that person you quickly begin to love with out hesitation.
The one you fall deeply for with out reservation,
Ain't nothing like having that person you can be fully and whole heartedly, one hundred percent your self around,
And they love you for that and beyond glad your the one they found,
In the beginning you question if this could possibly be real,
Because we've never felt the feelings we feel,
And it comes on so quickly , could it leave just as fast?
I'm not too sure but I know I want to stop looking and make you my last,
Ain't nothing like having that constant flow of love never interrupted,
And when we finally came together that passionate volcano willingly erupted,
Over and over we remind ourselves of what we posses,
Ain't nothing like our love, I'm so glad I never settled for less..

The funny thing is that I love every moment..

Giving my all

I've realized that there are times when you need to pull back and guard your heart. Because it to has a limit.
I don't want to stretch the extra mile anymore. I don't want to lie to myself today to get to the next .
Love is real and we at times take it for granted.
So let's put this love on ice..
Thaw it out when things are right..
Let's let it marinate on times missed..
Moments shared.
Get back to it when others can't dictate our direction..
Love is there but it's not what it's suppose to be..

It ain't yours

If it's not yours then why sweat it..?
Only those things that belong to you, that have been made official and clear can you really make a big fuss about..
Point being : Don't sweat the small stuff..

ME

I am sharing some of me from yesterdays times..... Today... Enjoy

Wonder (8.18.08)

I watched as it walked by

Then that infamous knot swelled in my throat

Because I felt it leaving me

But once again I was watching,

Hating the moment, every moment that chose to leave,

Regretting my non-actions

Forgetting the oath I made to myself

Relentlessly trying to hold on

    And selfishly letting go, each and every time,

 That moment captured emotion

                All balled up

Trying to level out, but only sticking to

   One side or the other

But I’m still watching and speaking

   And enjoying the thought of actually

                                Doing

So others live, in my way

   Breath up my path

     And eat up my dream

    before I allow it to rot

         In the pits of nothing

   So I sit and watch

On a park bench, where wonder seems to be the

   Only occupant of my time………

He is.. (Written April 13, 2006)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Clean Slate

If I quit today and gave it all up then what would I do?
That's exactly how I feel right now, like quitting. The easier way out always..
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with a clean slate. Wake up with a plan in mind, a goal to reach. Know exactly what it is I want to do with my life. What is my purpose?
Is it to raise my child so that she can be a better me or even a more accomplished her? Was it to struggle and live pay check to pay check.. You know, continue on the good path handed down from generation to generation.
But there is a fire in me that frustrates me even more then what I'm going through right now. That fire that keeps me aware of the fact that I'm better then all of this. I'm so much smarter, yet I'm sitting here wasting away on a 9-5 paying less then I deserve.
So a clean slate sure would be good right now.
I'm not complaining just trying to find my purpose and head in that direction.

No joke

I'm up at 12 am because my mind is filled and my heart is pounding! Can't sleep at all. I'm frustrated .

I never..

"I've never felt this way before," is the classic line,
Till you've felt that feeling the first time then it makes it all fine,
You know that chest so tight I can hardly breath feeling
The I don't want you to ever leave, let's just lay here stare at the ceiling feeling,
Oh no I've never felt this way before until I met you feeling,
Now I can't let you go because my heart aches for you feeling,

So is this love suppose to hurt and give that hint of confusion with a touch of familiarity,
Left yearning as my heart moves to my throat,The remedy a dose of clarity.
Sprung into action,
Feeding attraction,
To love you, my heart is placed on a battle field stuck between utter chaos,
Caught in the cross fire
So that hand book on love didn't tell me about this shit,
Yep I got back up then took another hit,

How does it go what didn't kill me only strengthened me,
And my love for you only lengthened you see,
Because I never felt this way before,
And now that I have... I want more!

I love..

I love..
No more words Just,
I Love..
But there's more,
I love..
I'm breathing , yet choking on air
I Love..
Your hand is holding my heart
I love..
It's growing,
I Love..
I just need to get through this,
I Love..
Something is holding me back,
I love..
That's just purely what I do...
I Love..

Where do I go from here? I'm constantly moving because I refuse to be still. But I always have that worry that this is where my life could end. That fear of becoming complacent and never reaching another level life. The fear of being stuck! Which in an odd way keeps me moving. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and am truly paying now but what I can be thankful for are the lessons learned through them. The clean up is never easy and allot to carry but I know somewhere down the road there is an exit that is meant for me. That dream that I've been dreaming , that future I've been seeing..
So I know that the tears that hide behind these eyes that are constantly on the verge of breaking through are worth every drop. The stress , it's molding me into a better person. The headaches and sleepy days will have a true reason in the end.
There's no time for pity but plenty for a solution.
No time for quitting but plenty for a determined mind.
Once again tonight I'll push and keep pushing because really other then giving up that's all I really have!

%100

Up at 12 thinking about what should be,
What could be,
My hearts reaching for what's not there,
Straining to remain laying it all out bare,
Up at 12 thinking about what should be,
What could be,
The possibilities of entertaining this unknown feeling,
Gambling , wishing taking risk so appealing,
Up at 12 past knowing this could be my last,
Last love song broken down to a poem of wants wishes and could haves,
I'm pushing for more I'm not capable of giving half of me,
I'm pouring myself out because this will be my last word spoken. Heart unbroken.
Up at 12 and sure of what is.

Wow.. I don't know what to call it.
I really don't like emotions. Time to put it all back on ice and get back in my comfort zone. Where nothing bothers me where nothing matters!
Me and emotion don't mix so well. so...
It's time to end it all..
So much easier said then done!

I want to show you to the world like a shiny new toy.
Step into the sun that outshines the shadow.
.....But not until you can do the same.
And time will either draw us closer or apart.. & that timing is up to you..

Today

Stress consumed me today. It  seemed like everything and everyone some how worked their way onto my nerves. 

I wish at times to get away from it all. If I have to fix my car one last time I swear its going off of a cliff! My car has slowly drained my bank account! 

I don't know what's going on in this head of mine but I'm looking for an escape. I honestly feel like a ball of tears waiting to pour out one drop at a time. But I have to hold it together, because it's just me. No one to pick up the pieces that may crumble to the floor at any second. 

Suck it up , Cry it out and Go! 

Just wish I had more help at times. Genuine help. Help with out stipulations. 

So now I'll go to sleep and wake up to a new day... 

A mothers work

A mothers work is never done. And the second she comes up for air it starts all over again!
My body and brain needs a rest tonight. I've got worry , anxiety plus an ounce of stress.
Wishing I could click my heels three times and make things perfect!
I'm pushing through tonight, but I'll be ok . But that's what I always say...

Hold my hand

Lets hold hands and never let go
Lets love every second of every moment and never let go
Hold my hand
Let's day dream together and realize it's our reality
Two kids in the park with no worries
Escaping ...
Let's play house I'll set up the kitchen
You hang the pots
Hold my hand
And when it gets too hard
Hold my hand
Let's love each other more then our hearts can bare
And give beyond what our souls can share
Hold my hand boy
And bring me back
Tell me you feel the same
And act
Act on that feeling
Let's be a love song
So appealing
Be my valentine sweet candy heart
Hold my hand
and Love me harder , stronger , deeper
Walk away .. Walk away boy
Thinkin Damn... She's a Keeper

My current read.. So far so good. Not an easy read because the boy does so much day dreaming which makes it difficult to differentiate between reality and dreams. It's also very graphic from the start as well as vulgar. Will update when finished.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

This was a book that I recently read and thoroughly enjoyed. Can't wait for the movie to come out in August! It tugged at my heart and at times was challenging due to the realness and rawness of the book but was very realistic and descriptive. I felt as if I could smell the old wood and feel what these maids felt. I would recommend this book to any and everyone. Great Summer read!

In the Deep

Start. Emotionless, senseless actions,
Thoughtless effortless . Fatal attraction
Blind to what the end would bring
But it was just the start
Twisted wound up
Coiling into a hollow abyss
Touching nocturnal authorities
As it poured and it poured
Bringing us to ... Reaching limitless heights
External quivers , eclectic shivers. Internal Fights
Battling phycological qualms
Sensing spastic calms
In the deep we are
Deeper ... never far

I've got the tools to succeed. I just need to use them!

If I never needed a prayer , I need one today. Mentally I'm reaching that limit.
Lord please rebuild me and count me in. I'm not perfect and will never be, but I need you now. Right now. I need your forgiveness , your compassion, to be filled with joy, the ability to forgive, and the will to live beyond what's in front of me. I'm not asking for much but I'm asking to be filled with you. Lessen me and fill me with you.
I need your hand right now because you are the ultimate friend. No one can fill that void but you , for no man can be the God you are. I'm pleading and begging for my sanity and that everlasting peace.
Amen

An Ad For Friends

I'm doing it backwards..
No dates, No loves, No dinners, No nothing...
I'm putting out an ad for friends.
The shoulder to lean on..
The shoulder to cry on..

A hand to hold,
An ear for secrets to be told,

An ad for friends with out the rules,
You be yourself and I'll be mine,
Not dumb lovers blind as fools,

New sights to be seen,
While I'm free to be mean,
No holding back our true selves,
No judging.

An ad for friends
His and hers
because we aren't worried about impressing,
Just a good laugh with allot less stressing,

I can call when I want and not see you for a while,
But no hard feelings because we are truly friends.

An ad for friends
Don't you dare think its more
I'm only looking for friends to see even more

It was business as usual nothing extra.

Date with poison

We sat we chat
I laughed you laughed
But it was a date with poison
I knew I could never be who I use to be
But I forced myself to try, to try so hard at it
Still yet it was toxic
I became woozy and out of my element
Then we parted our ways with a gentle touch
That meant nothing to me
I felt nothing!
But I became sick
Sick with thought
A nauseating impulse to reach out
Guards down , I reached back to the familiar
And like familiar you let me down.

Yep gotta do what you gotta do!

She's Never been loved

Seeing the world through dirty brown eyes,
Been told a shit load of lies,
She's never been loved,

Beauty resting upon her face,
The goal, the prize of the mens master race,
She's never been loved,

Her body, the silloette her image was pure,
Their lust, their want dripping from tongues was sure,
She's never been loved,

She opened up every single time thinking it was...
Thinking love lived beneath thick skins and and twisted minds,
She's never been loved,

They wouldn't let her go, she was hypnotic ,
With a pinch of psychotic,
She's never been loved,

Her lov'n, her sex,
Magic,
She's never been loved

But she loved,
She loved with all of her heart,
From every start,
The way she wanted to be loved,
The way her daddy should've loved,
The image always a reflection in her life,
Worn on her sleeve,
Because for her to believe,
That in the end happiness lied,
It truly lied,

Happiness needed to live within.. Her
It needed to seep through her own pores,
She needed to live breath and speak happiness,
That walk that swayed , should sway her true identity,
A wisp of sweet serenity ,

Love never loved her,
It picked a chose not to love her,
It skipped along the sidewalk of lust,
Internal trust,
And twirled her hair around it's fingers,
A honey dew smell that lingers,
Never staying,
Always praying of change,
Beyond the God given range,
Belonging and longing for,
More!

Never satisfied,
Empty,
Never complacent,
Moving,
Never Peace,
Chaotic,
Never Love,
Hate

Constantly proving myself to the people who are suppose to love me is nothing I'm interested in.

Fly

Love the me who is really me or....

I've never had the dependent personality. So when I have to depend on others for simple day to day task I'm appreciative of the the help but I'm left wide open and vulnerable. Which causes me to react to any tiny bit of anything. If it be the wrong words , attitude, etc.
I like to help others but receiving it is harder.
Once again I'm thankful for the help I am.'I'm thankful for my friends and family being there.
But I don't like for things to be done for me and then something is alway expected in return. As if I am now in debt to that person. Don't get me wrong I believe in thank yous and maybe even a gift. But the owe I'm talking about is the kind of cloud that floats over your head for life with a ton of strings attached.
Yes I have a problem with receiving and I also have a problem with being left wide open.
This person will see me at my low because I now "need" from someone else.' and Not many can be trusted with that much .

Patience

I'm not upset I'm just digesting everything , then figuring out if this is right for me. Or do I need to figure everything out by myself with out the added pressure of making sure I'm figuring it out in such a way that makes everyone else comfortable.
So no I'm not upset , I'm just digesting and spitting out the added crap..

The rant... ( My words unorganized)

I want to do it right this time around.I'm still a hopeless romantic but now my eyes are open this time around.
I want the connection , I want the friendship.
I've learned that intimacy is way more then sex. Because when the sex fades , which it will, can we still maintain a friendship , a loving caring relationship with out being stressed or holding something against the other person?
I want to freely express myself with no worries.
When the lights dim curtains close , I want the audience to say she stayed true to self.
We are constantly finding ourselves no matter how old we get, it's even harder in a relationship.I want to freely do so and I want it to be excepted..
I will always be a free spirit, I can never be locked into a role or an expectation. Can you handle that?
My views on : Sex is always a privilege (not a necessity) in an unwed relationship, can "we" handle that? Can we maintain the "true"intimacy"?
You always wonder about the what if's in life but when do we let go of those and keep what we have?
My number one priority in life is to be a parent? All else and everyone else falls behind that.
Do you believe in me as much as I do, do you believe that this really could be?
WE all love and love to be loved but will our love last?

You scare me with that look , and it makes me wonder about our future. I'm not sure what power or senseless thoughts burrow behind that angry look. The look that makes me feel as if your reprimanding me, as if I were your child. And the words that flow from it don't help.. So Do we last?

I'm at a point where I don't know what I want anymore but I know what I have.
It's a good thing, it is...
So can we just flow?
I don't think time is ever wasted in any relationship, because you learn from those moments. You learn about yourself. Plenty about self.



Let the song play on...
It never ends...

My perfect God

I read a blog post that asked a question that captured my attention so here is my response...


If I could design my perfect God here's what my God would be...
My God would speak back to me in my own language in response to the prayers I send up every morning. Just a "Got it" would do,
and would be amongst the have's and the who's who,
My God would show face every so often , at those times I needed a smile back,
and would have a solid touch, with weight behind a comforting hug,
and when I'm just over the ledge Force behind that caring tug,
My God would sit with me and listen to my endless stories as if no one else is calling,
and illuminate my thoughts when I'm falling,
My God would guide my life in the direction best fit for me,
and wouldn't allow for so many options,
Because my God already knows I'm no good with more then one,
My God would trust me as much as he'd want me to trust him,
Leading by example,
My God would rule over all,
and be a fare and just God,
My God would be so many things,
My God would be my everything.....

2 frappes

Good service is not allot to ask for especially when your paying your own money even if your not paying. And I don't apologize ever! For having standards. There has been a huge lesson in today's adventure. It started off good until I decided I wanted to get my nails done which should be a good feeling right? Yea I thought so to. So I tried a new place that looked like something special even the name sounded a lil extra. I went in and the first flag should've gone up when the nail tec told me to let my fingers soak while she goes to eat her lunch (my face scrunched up to) .. But I was cool with it the place was busy so I was like ok enjoy.. until my wrist started to hurt from hanging over the black ceramic kitchen bowl for longer then 10 minutes. Ok shes back. Mind you when I walked in I asked if they did Shellac nails?? It's a brand not a technique . They said "yeah yeah have a seat." after my first coat I've come to realize it wasn't Shellac it was "Gellish" what ever brand that is. Flag number two. When it was all said and done I was a bit disappointed with the results. So I talked it over with my cousin who had my back and was going to go back in the shop with me but after seeing my nails for the first time she made me realize they weren't so bad it's just a lesson learned. But the fact that she showed up and wasn't even there from the start meant allot.
Time goes by : curtains drop > I'm home and I'm hungry.
My boyfriends on his way over and I order a pizza. An "hour" later the pizza arrives I pay and then realize part of my crust was hanging out in someones car. GROSS. I told my boyfriend who still hadn't arrived yet and asked him if he could return it for me only because my child was still napping but... He wanted no part in it.. So flag number whatever .. I woke my child up threw her in the car and brought the pie back. The girl was nice and gave me my money back . We went to Wendy's instead and ordered a baked potato and 5 piece nugget. But the idiot in the car in front of me decided to ask for their nuggets FRESH in the drive through. So I'm waiting for ten minutes and decided to pull out of line after I already ordered and go to McDonalds. Got a 6 piece nugget and a small Carmel Frappe. All was well I even had enough patience at this point to go back and sit in the drive through down the road at Wendy's and wait for my money back because I clearly forgot I'd already paid for my food before I pulled off the first time... Lol
.....
So here I am parked in front of my home once again , my daughter is eating her nuggets and I'm drinking my second Frappe of the day! Home Sweet Home

It's funny how in a relationship it's easy for the other person to tell you I "feel" like you don't communicate enough but the second you call them out on doing the same thing they claim they're not. Hmmmm it's not so easy ha?
I'm starting to "feel" like I need me time. As in a moment of silence. Where I don't have to worry about anything or anybody. No child , no family, no relationship , no bills , no work. If I can catch something as simple as one second I will be a happy person ! Don't get me wrong those are the things I enjoy , those are the things that keep me moving but there comes a point where it all becomes so overwhelming. Its like I find myself catering to everything and everyone but self. Those individuals involved may not see it that way because I may not be spending every waking second on one particular person but I can honestly say I'm spread pretty thin!

The topic of sex in my life is a complicated one but at the same time not so complicated to me just everyone else. I believe sex should always be enjoyable and with the one you love yada yada yada. But... For a female sex is first and foremost emotional... Unless you were like me 6 years ago then it was about control stemming from emotional and physical abuse that occurred years before. So anyway Sex is emotional and I lost my train of thought. I think that was my point.
You can't just expect "me" or "us" to be ready to go any moment even if I am physically attracted to you. It's nothing personal but I know for myself I need to be mentally fed as well. I need the "knows".
To know: I'm safe, wanted, acknowledged, appreciated, respected, not just an item, or as if it's a requirement of a relationship (because it's not).
I love what's in my life right now I do. And I'm more then ranting but so what it's my blog and for my use!
Im not sure about some things and other things I am.but that's the beauty of being me and true to self. I will never be the person that gets lost in someone else and loses every part of their beautiful being simply because I refuse to. And I don't ever want to be with someone who became "me" and lost them self. Thats the death of a relationship .
Good night good day!

Insomnia

I have these dreams of random moments. Some present situations , some past and some never happened. They keep me awake because I worry. I worry about the tiniest of things. I worry that the next day won't be good enough or my next year would show no evidence of progress. I worry so much. Although I am doing things to advance and constantly keep moving I still worry.

The highlight of my day is my reading time with my daughter. I've successfully gotten her to sit down two nights in a row and do her reading lessons! If no one else cares I do and I want my child to be able to read before she even gets to kindergarten. I want her to always be ten steps ahead, with nothing to look back on and blame for any short comings .
Sleep still hasn't crept behind these eyelids but until it does I'm praying for better dreams!

Gotta luv it

Seriously I'm tiered and don't have much energy to use on extra stuff Remedy: Keeping my damn mouth shut and keeping it moving. If it doesn't affect my life directly then I'm over it. Hell I'm tiered. It's no blame on anyone, no one gets credit.'but silence is my new key. To hell what the rest may say..

My child

I can't imagine my world without her but at times my child drives me beyond crazy.
It's like God put these little creatures into our world to pull us back down out of the clouds. Gods little reminders of reality. A child in my eyes is the ultimate test of life. Through and with this child you will experience hurt, happiness , joy , pain, grief .. They are an endless test of patience. At times you love them and others well.. you still love but there goes that test again!

Taken

The feeling of trust broken,
The sound of silent words unspoken,
Hurt entrenched, seeped hate from my heart,
Boundaries crossed from the very start,

What I believed was wrong,
I drew blank and heard the willows song,
Another world corrected there wrong,
A silence but not for long,

Purity turned black,
Happy turned black,
Innocence turned black,
Honesty turned black,
My heart turned black,

Tear scared face,
A sour bitter taste,
Lingers and haunts my thoughts,
I can't escape,
I couldn't escape this mental rape,

I'd kill you, I want to hurt you,
I want you to feel tainted,
Soft yellow walls painted, in my mind, Whimsical!
That's where I hid my better mind,
While you tried to take me from behind,

I haven't forgiven although I say, I did,
I try every time then I remember how I was just a kid,
So I hate you I do,
ever so true,
In the mid night blue,
I kill you!

In my thoughts, I kill you
In my spirit, I kill you
In my life, I kill you
In my soul, I kill you

I'm tearing apart your very existence,
And gripping your heart with powerful persistence,
I kill you!

Missing them

I miss my friends! I miss having them around. Just having my best friend to hang out with and go places. Even though I'm not alone , I feel alone in a sense. In that area of my life it's empty. I miss the stupid humor and the go anywhere down for what ever when ever friendship. I miss the questions and secrets you swear to never tell. I miss the just because calls and the I'm sleeping on your couch because I think my hearts broken today!
I miss the let's plan a trip and do it's...
I miss the ooh girl he is fiiine's....
I miss the let's go party girl's....
I wish my friendship grew with me...
I wish we grew together...
My boys are far and it's not the same..
And my one best girlfriend is too many states away!
I miss being included because my presence is wanted and not a burden..
I miss being the life among other lifes ..
We were all the party!
I miss my cousins who were my buddy's!
Words can't really explain this feeling and it's just in the moment..
But I miss it....

A poets Diary

A Poets Diary
by Shirley Mayfield

Is a place to live and breath air,
Unlock it if you dare,
Enter a world of serenity,
Madness of true divinity,
Schizophrenic lives with neurotic dreams,
We belong in a nut house, so it may seem,
Writers block is just a bump in the road,
Visit my box my humble abode,
Label my life with the writers stamp,
We are the hope the dream, the loser's champ,
This is the translation of life,
The bible of thoughts,
The jar of my soul,
The holder of my eyes,
The catcher of my sighs,
The river of my cries,
The caresser of my thighs
Love, Romance, hate, Anger Happiness
Are some common themes of the poets diary.

I pushed myself

I pushed myself

Nursing sure does change allot

What do normal breast look like? And who determines normal?
Considered a breast lift today, until I read all of the side affects. Potential nipple loss , disfigured breast , loss of sensation and the list goes on. Sounds like I could come out worst then I went in. I play poker but I'm not that big of a gambler!
So push ups from Victorias secret will be my long term investment toward perfect boobs!

Seeking Princess party attendess

I made a mommy friend yesterday! That's the mother of my child's friend. We aren't necessarily friends but our children are friends. Why is this exciting to me? Because I don't call myself anti-social but some would. It's just harder for me to try and make "Mommy Friends" because I'm so young and all of the activities my daughter has joined have kids with moms who are much older and well established in their careers. Which brings me to another point.
I know I'm not the only young mom but it seems that allot of the extra curricular activities that I attend that are for my daughter have kids with moms that are much older and established. Is it that younger parents can't afford to put there children in these activities? Are we to consumed in our own personal growth to provide these great opportunities for our children? Or do we just not know any better? I don't know what the answer is and I may be wrong about my assumptions. But it sure would be great to see more of my age range in attendance.
So Journey will soon have her first play date! Hopefully because she took my number and said she'd text me hers and I have yet to hear from her. I feel like a new kid at school trying to make friends for my daughters sake. But it's fun! Journey only has her boy cousins down here which is awesome because I won't have to worry about her toughening up . But it sure would be fun to have some girl-friends to invite to her 5th Princess Party next year!

unfinished

I saw the sky blue today,
It was seen in a different way,
I opened my eyes and soaked it in,
and let my heart smile within,

This day like no other,
broke down many bricks,
that barricaded my soul,
that have paid hells toll,

Today I saw the sky blue,
and it read my soul true,
as it marinated and my heart contemplated,
On those hated days that I saw so few,

The wall hasn't been broken,
but words have been spoken...

There's more to see beyond the unknown

For a reason...

I've learned over time that every person you come into contact with is put there for a reason that contributes to Gods master plan for your life.
My cousin she's taught me the importance of taking your time, feel out the situation then make a decision. Often times we are in such a rush to make something fun new and exciting happen in our lives. For example when we come into a good amount of money the first instinct is to spend it all or take care of everyone . Instead of saving budgeting and making a plan for the money.
When you rush you over spend in your life as well as your bank account!
It's important for me to make a cushion for myself and my child to be able to live comfortably. So... The next move is investments and saving....

Dear Jersey

Dear Jersey,





I'm sitting here on Saturday night thinking about the times we spent together. You've been there from the start and for some reason I can't let you go. I mean it's not that I want to, I just need a little space, I mean .. I..




(Exhale)


.


You’re flowing through my veins,


And when it rains,


I wish it was your storms,


Your lightning and thunderous ways,


Missing those nights we drove together,


With your chilly winds flowing through my cracked windows,


Just what I needed to keep me up late at night


And you never worrying whispering “She knows,”





She knows that I live in her and flow through her,


She knows..





Loud music living by the lyrics and never denying the bass,


And no matter how crowded, I always had my space, my place,





I remember the day I fell in love with you,


It’s so funny how we’ve been through it all,


And only time forced me to fall,


And I fell Hard... For you,





Then it was us,


The laughs the tears,


The minutes the years,





I’m missing the way you kissed my spirit,


And hugged my soul,


We had so much in common,


I swore we’d grow old together,


A bond so thick tough as leather,




You felt it with me,


And saw through my eyes,


When I thought I couldn’t, but did,


You knew how many tries,


Then I left,


I left you all alone,


I left,




I know you think I’m crazy for saying this,


For Speaking out,





I left, Right?


This time you speak outside of a whisper,


“You left Me”





I hear your pain,


And sometimes it pulls me in,


Almost moving back to what we had,


..Jersey.. girl for life, I mean your girl for Life right?





Where do ..Jersey.. and I really stand?


Do you want me back or is it the idea,


Because year after year,


We go through this,


Never fails,


My heart yearns for your touch,


Embracing my thoughts,


Jersey’s impeccable style,


On my face it kept a smile,




No matter where I move,


No one, I mean no place compares,


Not even close,


Your holding me back ..Jersey..!


You’ve set the bar, reset the standards.





(Inhale)





My fantasy was always a reality,


Then I left…





I left…

Influenced by an unknown Author of the "I believe Poem"

I believe that sometimes it takes you to be kind first, for someone to find their kindness within
I believe when you love someone you'll fight for it
I believe true friends are hard to come by but when you have one they're there forever
I believe if your raised in the church under good teaching that, that foundation will never crack
I believe forgiveness is not only a gift to the person you are forgiving but an even larger gift to you
I believe that love is a choice
I believe our hearts are the strongest muscle in our bodies , so when it takes a hard beating or even a rough ache
I believe you'll be ok
I believe life is what you make it
I believe that surrounding yourself with positive people will indeed reap a positive experience
I believe every change starts with a
Change of mind
I believe children are Gods gift and your future so Invest in your tomorrow
I believe the strongest bond you can have is a mothers love
I believe family is the best relationship you can have in life
I believe that when I get older I will also get wiser
I believe that our elders are insight on our past and future
I believe that loving yourself is a must !
I Know I am great and I am destined for greatness

I posted Some oldy poems because they still apply to my present.. Hope you enjoy and please feel free to comment.!

Writers block

I dug deep this time, for more then existance,
beyond this greater being , above more then seeing,
I wanted to know the truth to this non aparent wall , I felt my self pushing and on the other side an echoed call,
but still no help came , and things remained the same ,
Thats when i realized the next morning that really Ive been sheilding myselffrom my own thoughts, my own wonders,
while in the back of my mind still ponders ,
about words that could have been said , dreams that should have been read, my words still never alive nor dead...
there was a crack, and finally when I peeked through
it was my own back

Luiy was my inspiration for this one...Thnx Lui

I am

I'm the type of girl who loves left over spaghetti , and to eat the ice pops b4 their frozen. Who sometimes rubs a drop of juice into the floor instead of shampooing the whole carpet.
I'm the type of girl who will screw off the top of a pump lotion bottle to use the last drop or cut open the tooth paste tube to get my money worth. Who loves movies on a Friday night and will mix my corn with my rice or mashed potatoes.
I'm the type of girl who hates flowers because they die but loves a thoughtful call or a selfless act.
I'm the type of girl who would rather go out with no makeup and a clean face will do me just fine.
I'm the type of girl who won't talk with my mouth full but behind closed doors will eat food with my fingers.
I love the rainbow after the storm and will snap a picture of the perfect cloud.
I'm the type of girl in a class of my own and could never be compared to another. I'm the type of girl who doesn't need male validation and knows I can do bad by myself ..
Who knows my worth and it has no dollar value!
Won't listen to the BS and won't settle for less.
I'm the type of girl who loves myself..

By Shirl

I'm akward

I walk to my own beat,
Down my own street,
and trip on my own feet ,


When I laugh I may snort,
My room is my fort,
I wear colors of any sort,

Nothing Personal

Today I communicated me, purely me. I expressed myself beyond what was expected and I felt great. It was great.
Communication with no consequences for me can only happen when a person truly knows me. No judging , no questions , no nothing! Lets just talk, with you consciously making an effort to exit your realm and enter mine!
I don't apologize for my actions nor do I feel bad, because that would truly be me denying self..

She Rocks

Melodic drama keeping us moving,
We're flowing, we're grooving,
With eyes shut wide open,
I'm feeling it
I'm , I'm
As the Jazz plays on
From the trumpets snout , I was born,
Play on bad boy,
Ooh she rocks

Eyes wide shut,
Last call final cut,
The snares of my life linger,
With the solo eclectic singer,
She sings , she sings,
Ladies Got the blues,
And a pair of Bad’ Shoes,

Walk on mama , walk on
Ooh she rocks

Will it Change

I've got to read this book again.
I want to see if the feeling and interpretation I had when I was 15 will be the same at 23 years old. I've got to get back into my books, they took me to a different world, a world away from my own. If it be living it through someone's eyes or through mine own. Point being. I was able to escape. I would stay up til 5 a.m not wanting to put down the book and face reality.
I think that was a common theme through out my earlier days. Escaping reality..
I was able to live Winters Life without the consequences. Which then turned into a handbook a guideline for my life. I wanted what she had. The beauty that attracted more then the regular , the money to do what I wanted , the clothes that set me apart, the dad who provided that sense of protection regardless of his moral judgments. I wanted that world minus the consequence.

Today I became irritated by the fact that I allowed someone to speak negative things about me but also speak those things into my life. I thought I was over it but the things they said were of a sensitive topic.
So my mission for today and tomorrow and so on.. Is to only allow positive people into my circle. People who know me and not think they know me. Not those who read my Facebook or Twitter then allow their minds to exaggerate the moment and build a judgmental opinion about me. Because for someone to know me , they will understand my words beyond the obvious. They already know the in betweens.
Today I got a letter of termination. A letter stating my child will lose her health insurance.
Today I cursed the negative words spoken into my spirit by someone who doesn't know me.
Today I sat in the ER this morning with my child instead of clocking into work. Then when it was all said and done I returned to work to make sure I'll have a job to come back to tomorrow.
Today that same child threw a fit after work. She threw a tantrum that made me think all kinds of thoughts. But instead of breaking down I drove to McDonalds , I propositioned her with a fry and got myself a small Carmel Frappe . Only to get to the window and find out They are on sale all month for $1. Now that made my day!

I'm going to laugh today,
I'm going smile at the possibilities,
Of potential sharing in the responsibilities,
That may fester up a chuckle,
And loosen up a buckle,
Or Two,
I'm going to laugh and say,
This is knotting up my stomach,
It is bringing out the best today,
My tears are rolling on their way,
To a tiny hidden hiccup,
I'm going to laugh today,
Meaning today is already yesterday,
Which means tomorrow I digested my sorrow,
And released a joyous headache,
Because I chose to laugh today,

And nothing else matters,
Funny took me over as the frown drowned ,
And the laughter splatters...

Because I was sure to laugh today!

-Loveshirl