Dear Dad

Lets talk. Lets catch up on the past 25 years of my like and the interruption you made after the first 16. At age five it didn't count and still to this day I am the only child that is willing to hear you out. Lets go to the park and find the perfect sunny bench face each other and converse about life. Lets laugh at the good times and smile at the bad, because they almost always transform into the good.  Put your arm around me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in your world and how you'd never leave me. How you'd protect me at all cost. Tell me that I am the most important person in your life. How you'd never put anyone before me. Wipe the tears off of my cheek when I expose my broken heart one thousand times over.
Dad let me say that you are the only guy in my eyes that can do the things that you do. Let me tell you how I don't think any man could ever compare to you Dad. And when I make mistakes in life sit me down and give me that look and share with me the secret that only you and I know. Which is "things happen but it's ok as long as the lesson was learned."
Tell me about those boys that keep calling for me. Share with me the guy code so that I will always know that they are only after one thing. I know Dad, I am better than that. Dad lets get up off of that park bench and go to our favorite restaurant and share our favorite meal.
And when I grow up Dad I want to call you and tell you about the new man in my life. I want to tell you about all of the wonderful things that have come to exist in the few years that I have grown into a woman. I want your opinion on what I should do when my relationship hits rocky times. Your opinion of him. And what I should do next. Hey Dad you want to meet him? Because you know they all have to get your approval first.
Dad my child who is the most important person in my life is the best thing that could have happened to me. Want to meet her? But you know what dad her life is filled with so much love it's unbelievable.
What I've come to realize over the years dad.
Is that this letter will never reach you.
I've said Dad more times in this letter than I've said in my entire life.
I don't hate you and I forgive you..
But I still wish you filled in that void you left when you walked out of the door.
When you left us behind and started a new life.

Ramble

I can't quite get done what needs to get done so I'm going to ramble on.
I made a decision today to let go of toxic relationships. I had a moment of clarity that brought me to the realization that I don't have to put up with other peoples stuff. I decided that those who bring me out of my character time and time again, are no longer welcome in my circle. I'm sitting here with work to do and still haven't transitioned from this blog to my work. I have so much on my mind and letting so little out. Almost as if my thoughts are locked up and I can't find the key to open the door. It's a love hate feeling because a part of me feels stuck and the other part feels that once my thoughts flow, there is something great hidden beneath all that flows.
I'm at a place right now where going right or even left seems unappealing by the second. Like I need to escape the realities of it all.
I need to cry endless tears.
So that I can get back to what I know, what I do.
I'm having a moment ..