Life line

I feel like I'm suffocating, like what today brings is not enough,
And tomorrow is sure to be rough,
I feel like I'm sinking
Emotions flare and they have no reason,
Cold tears and its not my season,
I'm dying slowly on the inside, I'm falling apart,
Screams muffled, aching heart,
My prayers seem to be stunted,
I can't get one out,
Where is my God now,
To transform my doubt?
I need a push, a hand, a life line,
Mine is about to end,
I'm crying harder now.....
Blurry vision, gasping for air,
What did I do to myself?
Another traumatic event,
I was fine I swore,
And now I hate myself,
I hate myself!
God doesn't give us more then we can handle,
But I sure know how to push myself over the edge,
My eyes are stinging now, burning isn't the word,
Emotions stirring...
And they have no reason.
It's just me by myself with no where to go,
God hear my screams, Lord hear my pleas
Save me from me!

Dislike

Dislike is not the word.
This was a test and we failed.

Learned

You learn allot about people when you are going through. Hurts but this is a lesson learned. A huge one! When out of this situation there is no going back.

I don't

I don't really want to do this.
My thoughts go back and forth.
I'm in a bad space a bad place.
Because I don't really want to do this.
I want things to exist
I want them to stay
I don't want to do this!
Silence....
Everyone disappears...
I'm gone. Non existent
I ended it all

Tired

I'm tired.

Dear Dad

Lets talk. Lets catch up on the past 25 years of my like and the interruption you made after the first 16. At age five it didn't count and still to this day I am the only child that is willing to hear you out. Lets go to the park and find the perfect sunny bench face each other and converse about life. Lets laugh at the good times and smile at the bad, because they almost always transform into the good.  Put your arm around me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in your world and how you'd never leave me. How you'd protect me at all cost. Tell me that I am the most important person in your life. How you'd never put anyone before me. Wipe the tears off of my cheek when I expose my broken heart one thousand times over.
Dad let me say that you are the only guy in my eyes that can do the things that you do. Let me tell you how I don't think any man could ever compare to you Dad. And when I make mistakes in life sit me down and give me that look and share with me the secret that only you and I know. Which is "things happen but it's ok as long as the lesson was learned."
Tell me about those boys that keep calling for me. Share with me the guy code so that I will always know that they are only after one thing. I know Dad, I am better than that. Dad lets get up off of that park bench and go to our favorite restaurant and share our favorite meal.
And when I grow up Dad I want to call you and tell you about the new man in my life. I want to tell you about all of the wonderful things that have come to exist in the few years that I have grown into a woman. I want your opinion on what I should do when my relationship hits rocky times. Your opinion of him. And what I should do next. Hey Dad you want to meet him? Because you know they all have to get your approval first.
Dad my child who is the most important person in my life is the best thing that could have happened to me. Want to meet her? But you know what dad her life is filled with so much love it's unbelievable.
What I've come to realize over the years dad.
Is that this letter will never reach you.
I've said Dad more times in this letter than I've said in my entire life.
I don't hate you and I forgive you..
But I still wish you filled in that void you left when you walked out of the door.
When you left us behind and started a new life.

Ramble

I can't quite get done what needs to get done so I'm going to ramble on.
I made a decision today to let go of toxic relationships. I had a moment of clarity that brought me to the realization that I don't have to put up with other peoples stuff. I decided that those who bring me out of my character time and time again, are no longer welcome in my circle. I'm sitting here with work to do and still haven't transitioned from this blog to my work. I have so much on my mind and letting so little out. Almost as if my thoughts are locked up and I can't find the key to open the door. It's a love hate feeling because a part of me feels stuck and the other part feels that once my thoughts flow, there is something great hidden beneath all that flows.
I'm at a place right now where going right or even left seems unappealing by the second. Like I need to escape the realities of it all.
I need to cry endless tears.
So that I can get back to what I know, what I do.
I'm having a moment ..

Meant to Be

Maybe it's not meant to be.
Worked so hard at change.
But maybe it's not meant to be.
Investing your time love and energy, only to find that it's done no good.
Misundertandings and lies. Deceipt at its best.
So maybe it's not meant to be.

Peace

I just want peace.
Silence to words left unheard
Peace

Butterflies

I've got butterfly's all over again...
Didn't know it was possible,
Thought They were just a one time phase,
But They reappeared
Fluttering,
Intermingling amongst each other.
That nervous I don't want to leave you feeling,
Because I don't know the next time I'll see you feeling,
The you make my heart thump feeling,
Every time your name pops up feeling....

Husband

I prayed to God to send me a husband, that's caring and gentle, understanding, and selfless. Loves God more than himself. That's a great father and excepts and loves my child as his own. I asked God to send me a husband that only has eyes for me and loves me with all of his heart. Will always protect me and will always have my back. I prayed to God to send me a motivated man who wants the most out of life. Who wants to see new things and open my eyes to even more. A man to share my life with. A man to grow a family with. 

I prayed to God to send me a husband that I can give all of my love to. A husband that I can protect. I asked God for a husband that will be my king and I his queen. A husband with strong arms to hold me tight at night.

A husband with integrity. 

My prayers continue day after day.. 

I'm giving myself to God and letting him lead the way.. 

Letting go of my worries and fears. 

What he has for me is for me.

My blessing shall come some day..

In the mean time I'm believing we are in the right track. 

The best day ever

Today I had the best day ever..
I really need to start writing more..
It really was a great day! ;)
I've got some good friends..
Makes a difference when you need someone and they are actually there for you at those times you need that shoulder..
At times I thought some friendships were over but I've realized we all have busy lives but what counts is when they are there for you when you need them most.
Today they were there for me!

Realize

....And then it hits you....
That moment you realize
Just that moment...
It's all clear, clearer then it's ever been..
Unspoken words scream so loud..
It's what's not said that weighs down..
.....and then you realize

No name

I call this no name.
No topic nor subject.
I could scream right now.
Yell at the walls, punch kick and scratch.
Throw my very own tantrum about the bullshit life has handed me.
I could scream louder and louder beyond the walls.
But I can't.
It won't come out. It's stuck inside waiting.
Pushing it's way through, stuck at the pit of my throat.
Calling for my tears to drop down and mood to mellow.
The ultimate performance.
Chest tight
I'm ready to throw in the towel,
Call it a day.
Not another complaint
Just DONE
My energy is drained
I try so hard but my efforts seem to be non existent
I'm DONE
give,give,give
So When do I get back
When do my cards change
I'm trying, I'm doing
I'm not sitting still but I keep getting dealt the same shitty hand
Game over
This life is over

Awake

I woke up with a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.
Thoughts from when,
Mixed with emotions from then,
A gut wrenching , throat clenching
Reality check,
We are never who we say we are,
And when we are found out
Its too late , already in too far,
Is it possible to lead two lives and still hold onto that human emotion of caring?
When it's been your survival as in two beds your sharing.
Everyone has secrets that are sooner then later always exposed,
Skeletons in the closet leaning to the side classically posed,
Just when you think you've gotten away,
A bone falls , secrets scatter , hurt exposed for a long nights stay,
That gut wrenching feeling pushes
Pushes
Pushes me away

It's not always true when they say you get what you give. You can give allot and get back a little. You give good and bad could come back. It's all a matter of what or who your giving to and how much.

I remember

Let it go

You can't love something or someone so much that you're not willing to let it or them go.



Stow away

I refuse to be anyone's stow away!
I refuse to be the washing machine you roll out to the sink every time you need it.
I'm the built in, you made space in your life for washing machine! Top of the line.
I refuse to be in unbalanced relationships!
So here's my way of balancing it all out!
I have to live my life the way it's comfortable for me and not the way it makes others comfortable in it.
I have so much to offer so much love to give and when it's right it'll be right. When someone is worth giving it all to they'll know.
But for now I'm guarded. I'm guarding my heart , my relationships, my friendships.
Because I have so much to give and I'm so passionate about those that I love that I can't afford to be hurt I can't afford to have an imbalance right now because I'm trying to achieve so much!
So here's to me creating a happy balance in my life and doing what works for ME!
To a clear and free mind.
To achieving the most in life.
To one day having the love I imagine.
To MY happy balance
To MY happiness!

Play house

I can't play house anymore.
It time to stop
I feel like my I'm doing things in my life and my relationships just to get by. Doing things because it feels good for the moment. Im just there. I need to go back and build solid foundations and if it's not something that I'm satisfied with then it's time to move on. I'm over the empty feeling. You know that feeling when you lay your head down at night and think back and really there is no feeling.
I'm over it all. I can't continuously wait for others to make my life happen. I've got to make it happen on my own.
I'm going through it today.
But tomorrow I'll have a new thing to say.