Patience

I'm not upset I'm just digesting everything , then figuring out if this is right for me. Or do I need to figure everything out by myself with out the added pressure of making sure I'm figuring it out in such a way that makes everyone else comfortable.
So no I'm not upset , I'm just digesting and spitting out the added crap..

The rant... ( My words unorganized)

I want to do it right this time around.I'm still a hopeless romantic but now my eyes are open this time around.
I want the connection , I want the friendship.
I've learned that intimacy is way more then sex. Because when the sex fades , which it will, can we still maintain a friendship , a loving caring relationship with out being stressed or holding something against the other person?
I want to freely express myself with no worries.
When the lights dim curtains close , I want the audience to say she stayed true to self.
We are constantly finding ourselves no matter how old we get, it's even harder in a relationship.I want to freely do so and I want it to be excepted..
I will always be a free spirit, I can never be locked into a role or an expectation. Can you handle that?
My views on : Sex is always a privilege (not a necessity) in an unwed relationship, can "we" handle that? Can we maintain the "true"intimacy"?
You always wonder about the what if's in life but when do we let go of those and keep what we have?
My number one priority in life is to be a parent? All else and everyone else falls behind that.
Do you believe in me as much as I do, do you believe that this really could be?
WE all love and love to be loved but will our love last?

You scare me with that look , and it makes me wonder about our future. I'm not sure what power or senseless thoughts burrow behind that angry look. The look that makes me feel as if your reprimanding me, as if I were your child. And the words that flow from it don't help.. So Do we last?

I'm at a point where I don't know what I want anymore but I know what I have.
It's a good thing, it is...
So can we just flow?
I don't think time is ever wasted in any relationship, because you learn from those moments. You learn about yourself. Plenty about self.



Let the song play on...
It never ends...

My perfect God

I read a blog post that asked a question that captured my attention so here is my response...


If I could design my perfect God here's what my God would be...
My God would speak back to me in my own language in response to the prayers I send up every morning. Just a "Got it" would do,
and would be amongst the have's and the who's who,
My God would show face every so often , at those times I needed a smile back,
and would have a solid touch, with weight behind a comforting hug,
and when I'm just over the ledge Force behind that caring tug,
My God would sit with me and listen to my endless stories as if no one else is calling,
and illuminate my thoughts when I'm falling,
My God would guide my life in the direction best fit for me,
and wouldn't allow for so many options,
Because my God already knows I'm no good with more then one,
My God would trust me as much as he'd want me to trust him,
Leading by example,
My God would rule over all,
and be a fare and just God,
My God would be so many things,
My God would be my everything.....

2 frappes

Good service is not allot to ask for especially when your paying your own money even if your not paying. And I don't apologize ever! For having standards. There has been a huge lesson in today's adventure. It started off good until I decided I wanted to get my nails done which should be a good feeling right? Yea I thought so to. So I tried a new place that looked like something special even the name sounded a lil extra. I went in and the first flag should've gone up when the nail tec told me to let my fingers soak while she goes to eat her lunch (my face scrunched up to) .. But I was cool with it the place was busy so I was like ok enjoy.. until my wrist started to hurt from hanging over the black ceramic kitchen bowl for longer then 10 minutes. Ok shes back. Mind you when I walked in I asked if they did Shellac nails?? It's a brand not a technique . They said "yeah yeah have a seat." after my first coat I've come to realize it wasn't Shellac it was "Gellish" what ever brand that is. Flag number two. When it was all said and done I was a bit disappointed with the results. So I talked it over with my cousin who had my back and was going to go back in the shop with me but after seeing my nails for the first time she made me realize they weren't so bad it's just a lesson learned. But the fact that she showed up and wasn't even there from the start meant allot.
Time goes by : curtains drop > I'm home and I'm hungry.
My boyfriends on his way over and I order a pizza. An "hour" later the pizza arrives I pay and then realize part of my crust was hanging out in someones car. GROSS. I told my boyfriend who still hadn't arrived yet and asked him if he could return it for me only because my child was still napping but... He wanted no part in it.. So flag number whatever .. I woke my child up threw her in the car and brought the pie back. The girl was nice and gave me my money back . We went to Wendy's instead and ordered a baked potato and 5 piece nugget. But the idiot in the car in front of me decided to ask for their nuggets FRESH in the drive through. So I'm waiting for ten minutes and decided to pull out of line after I already ordered and go to McDonalds. Got a 6 piece nugget and a small Carmel Frappe. All was well I even had enough patience at this point to go back and sit in the drive through down the road at Wendy's and wait for my money back because I clearly forgot I'd already paid for my food before I pulled off the first time... Lol
.....
So here I am parked in front of my home once again , my daughter is eating her nuggets and I'm drinking my second Frappe of the day! Home Sweet Home

It's funny how in a relationship it's easy for the other person to tell you I "feel" like you don't communicate enough but the second you call them out on doing the same thing they claim they're not. Hmmmm it's not so easy ha?
I'm starting to "feel" like I need me time. As in a moment of silence. Where I don't have to worry about anything or anybody. No child , no family, no relationship , no bills , no work. If I can catch something as simple as one second I will be a happy person ! Don't get me wrong those are the things I enjoy , those are the things that keep me moving but there comes a point where it all becomes so overwhelming. Its like I find myself catering to everything and everyone but self. Those individuals involved may not see it that way because I may not be spending every waking second on one particular person but I can honestly say I'm spread pretty thin!

The topic of sex in my life is a complicated one but at the same time not so complicated to me just everyone else. I believe sex should always be enjoyable and with the one you love yada yada yada. But... For a female sex is first and foremost emotional... Unless you were like me 6 years ago then it was about control stemming from emotional and physical abuse that occurred years before. So anyway Sex is emotional and I lost my train of thought. I think that was my point.
You can't just expect "me" or "us" to be ready to go any moment even if I am physically attracted to you. It's nothing personal but I know for myself I need to be mentally fed as well. I need the "knows".
To know: I'm safe, wanted, acknowledged, appreciated, respected, not just an item, or as if it's a requirement of a relationship (because it's not).
I love what's in my life right now I do. And I'm more then ranting but so what it's my blog and for my use!
Im not sure about some things and other things I am.but that's the beauty of being me and true to self. I will never be the person that gets lost in someone else and loses every part of their beautiful being simply because I refuse to. And I don't ever want to be with someone who became "me" and lost them self. Thats the death of a relationship .
Good night good day!

Insomnia

I have these dreams of random moments. Some present situations , some past and some never happened. They keep me awake because I worry. I worry about the tiniest of things. I worry that the next day won't be good enough or my next year would show no evidence of progress. I worry so much. Although I am doing things to advance and constantly keep moving I still worry.

The highlight of my day is my reading time with my daughter. I've successfully gotten her to sit down two nights in a row and do her reading lessons! If no one else cares I do and I want my child to be able to read before she even gets to kindergarten. I want her to always be ten steps ahead, with nothing to look back on and blame for any short comings .
Sleep still hasn't crept behind these eyelids but until it does I'm praying for better dreams!