Clean Slate

If I quit today and gave it all up then what would I do?
That's exactly how I feel right now, like quitting. The easier way out always..
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up with a clean slate. Wake up with a plan in mind, a goal to reach. Know exactly what it is I want to do with my life. What is my purpose?
Is it to raise my child so that she can be a better me or even a more accomplished her? Was it to struggle and live pay check to pay check.. You know, continue on the good path handed down from generation to generation.
But there is a fire in me that frustrates me even more then what I'm going through right now. That fire that keeps me aware of the fact that I'm better then all of this. I'm so much smarter, yet I'm sitting here wasting away on a 9-5 paying less then I deserve.
So a clean slate sure would be good right now.
I'm not complaining just trying to find my purpose and head in that direction.

No joke

I'm up at 12 am because my mind is filled and my heart is pounding! Can't sleep at all. I'm frustrated .

I never..

"I've never felt this way before," is the classic line,
Till you've felt that feeling the first time then it makes it all fine,
You know that chest so tight I can hardly breath feeling
The I don't want you to ever leave, let's just lay here stare at the ceiling feeling,
Oh no I've never felt this way before until I met you feeling,
Now I can't let you go because my heart aches for you feeling,

So is this love suppose to hurt and give that hint of confusion with a touch of familiarity,
Left yearning as my heart moves to my throat,The remedy a dose of clarity.
Sprung into action,
Feeding attraction,
To love you, my heart is placed on a battle field stuck between utter chaos,
Caught in the cross fire
So that hand book on love didn't tell me about this shit,
Yep I got back up then took another hit,

How does it go what didn't kill me only strengthened me,
And my love for you only lengthened you see,
Because I never felt this way before,
And now that I have... I want more!

I love..

I love..
No more words Just,
I Love..
But there's more,
I love..
I'm breathing , yet choking on air
I Love..
Your hand is holding my heart
I love..
It's growing,
I Love..
I just need to get through this,
I Love..
Something is holding me back,
I love..
That's just purely what I do...
I Love..

Where do I go from here? I'm constantly moving because I refuse to be still. But I always have that worry that this is where my life could end. That fear of becoming complacent and never reaching another level life. The fear of being stuck! Which in an odd way keeps me moving. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life and am truly paying now but what I can be thankful for are the lessons learned through them. The clean up is never easy and allot to carry but I know somewhere down the road there is an exit that is meant for me. That dream that I've been dreaming , that future I've been seeing..
So I know that the tears that hide behind these eyes that are constantly on the verge of breaking through are worth every drop. The stress , it's molding me into a better person. The headaches and sleepy days will have a true reason in the end.
There's no time for pity but plenty for a solution.
No time for quitting but plenty for a determined mind.
Once again tonight I'll push and keep pushing because really other then giving up that's all I really have!

%100

Up at 12 thinking about what should be,
What could be,
My hearts reaching for what's not there,
Straining to remain laying it all out bare,
Up at 12 thinking about what should be,
What could be,
The possibilities of entertaining this unknown feeling,
Gambling , wishing taking risk so appealing,
Up at 12 past knowing this could be my last,
Last love song broken down to a poem of wants wishes and could haves,
I'm pushing for more I'm not capable of giving half of me,
I'm pouring myself out because this will be my last word spoken. Heart unbroken.
Up at 12 and sure of what is.

Wow.. I don't know what to call it.
I really don't like emotions. Time to put it all back on ice and get back in my comfort zone. Where nothing bothers me where nothing matters!
Me and emotion don't mix so well. so...
It's time to end it all..
So much easier said then done!