Fade to black

When it gets too crazy, all things fade to black. You see nothing, you feel nothing. You become numb. Numb becomes a bliss. It becomes your happy place. It becomes your happy. You become impulsive and self satisfaction is what you begin to seek out. To patch up the hurt, the pain that cut you so deep. The image never fades, as all things fade to black. Like a drug, you seek your drug. Waiting for the next fix to numb it all. Happy creeps back. The rush tingles through your veins. THEN all things fade to black.

Void

My lungs are constricted,

My breaths are short,

Everything is spinning, everything is a blur, 

I fight back tears that exist with no understanding, 

I'm fighting back the urge to respond to the urge, 

When do we truly understand our thoughts to be the direction of an ultimate plan, 

When does clarity exist and this weight get lifted,

Its clenching my throat, like a fist of fire,

Eyes bulging not giving in,

But giving into the idea of letting go,

And fading away, 

Like a mist creeping backwards beyond the crack of the door,

A mysterious fog, 

That We ask no more of, 

I've found my voice my tone, 

Buried deep,

Beneath my misery,

In moments of dispair I am my loudest, 

I am my happiest, 

I am no longer hidden, 

But I shine like the silent ocean at sunset, 

That no one questions,

Yet stare in adoration at it mysterious beauty. 

Anger

I am angry. I am angry with him. No matter how much I try to show him my pain. HE does not care.
I share what is hurting me but he does not care.
He must succumb to his weakness and have his fun.
My tears mean nothing and I am growing cold.
I am growing a hate for this love.
This love is hurting me and crumbling me.
It is stuck in my throat forcing its way through the pressure.
To come up and out of a great amount of ....
I hate this I hate this I Hate this
I try to love I try to push it out.
I am growing cold.
I type with anger.
HE does not know how to be loved and to see love.
My love is pressous and kind.
He does not cherish it.
He does not hear it.
He does not care.
He does not know.
I Hate I hate
I am hurting
I am hurting
Every day
I wish he would crumble away.

Forget

I don't need you. But I'm still here because I want to be. 

I just want to be happy

Numb

I lie to myself everyday to make it feel better,
A temporary numb,
Then it comes back,
so I swallow it thinking I will digest the moments,
then they sit in my stomach and rot,
creating a belly ache of lies and deception,
Then I cry it out so they can exit with my tears,
and erase the mere thought of everything good and bad,
I'd like to erase everything and everyone,
I'd like to start over and go back,
To my thoughts of happy and little girl fairytale dreams,
I want the chance to walk away before it happened,
before they happened,
I don't want the chance to relive hurt over and over again,
I am battling love and deceit,
Tugging and pulling me,
I feel like I am going to rip right down the middle,
I want to believe that the possibilities are not real,
I want to be respected and I want to heal,
I want finally a man in my life who is honest,
starting with my dad,
I want for you to not make me feel so sad,
I hear the stories over and over,
Women have dealt for years,
and we remain true,
So when does my honest reward me,
with someone who is true,
Must I go down in history as the rest?
HELL NO!
I will rewrite my path,
Karma is something else,
But there is no revenge in my heart,
I just want a fresh start,
Love conquers all,
does not mean the love from the one who hurt you in my world,
But the love from those who actually care for you and about you,
The ones who do not want to see you hurt,
or crumble inside,
Immaturity plays its part on every ones soul,
But like a child we all know better,
So God place me in a better place please,
Guide me to be closer to you,
and further from man,
who is capable of so much,
so much damaging pain,
My trust is not in man ever,
but it is in you,
These tears,
No man gets the satisfaction of indulging in such a delicate experience,
These tears are a cry for you,
My happiness is unheard of,
it goes missing at times,
So please bring me back to that place,
The place where you want me. 

Rained portrait

I had this canvas painting,
a beautiful one,
The trees stood tall,
It was early to mid fall,
The leaves trickled down to the breath of the earth,
The sky so perfect soon to winter it was giving birth,
The sun captured a radiant glow,
on this canvas painting laid out for show,
I'd sit and stare and engulf myself in the moment,
because it sent me beyond reality,
I was happy,
In this painting I found my true happiness,
I gave it my all,
Every second of my attention belonged to it,
I'd lay at night and smile,
Knowing that it would never disapear,
It was my one true wonder,
Then one day it rained,
The drops trickled down my wall,
daring to touch what I'd always called my own,
This beautiful portait ever so true,
The colors intwined creating new art,
that was confusing and crazy,
Insanity at its best,
my trees melted into muddy oblivion,
my sun was a fierce flame that scored its way through grey skies,
Where had my peace gone,
the creation of a new dawn,
a new day.

Betrayal

You love, and then you love more fearlessly,

Letting down your guard because you believe love conquers all,

And with it we can get through anything,

But what happens when the heart that contains all of your love is ripped out of your chest,

Thrown down and stomped on,

What happens when that love stings,

Sending shooting pains through out your veins,

When love becomes betrayal,

When trust dies and hate is birthed,

Does love conquer all?

Or does it watch us fall,

Do we breath through the pain,

Adhering to what we knew to be true,

But is it true anymore?

What do we have after this?

The world we once knew can no longer exist,

When lies persist,

I was betrayed and lied to,

My life and health was put at risk,

My love was put on the line of fire,

Just when I thought we were reaching higher,

If this is love and what we so impatiently seek to fall into,

I wonder if I truly seek to be apart of that club of wonders and unknowns,

Fairy tales were child’s play,

Reality strikes eventually through the dawn of the day,

And I question so many things,

Why do we risk it all for that butterfly tingle?

And the in between the sheets mingle,

We gamble our hearts with high hopes of a win,

But our chances of such luck have always been thin,

 Like love this has no ending,

And with this letter my heart I am sending.

Need to be

When a women needs to be touched its a dangerous thing,
Neglect settles in with temptations sting,
Never wonder astray,
But there's always that day,
That, that touch not touched,
And those lips not kissed,
Emotions not embraced,
Legs unwound,
And sweet spot unfilled,
Will close up shop and her want for you will no longer exist...

Moments

There are some moments in life that really make you stop and think. Those moments are to be appreciated. If it were not for those moments all else would have fallen apart.

Missing heart beat

The rhythm of life, dance of wonders,
It's missing its gone,
Swimming beyond irrational beings,
Living, breathing
My child is gone,
If no one cared, I did
Attached to a soul that sang
Songs of joy, a new life
Sickening, nauseated hate
Unfairly Thrown upon you
But I cared, I loved
We held hands in my thoughts
I caressed your cheek with with one finger
Your tiny body
Disappeared into careless actions
We danced we sang
Till we died
A slow death
And your still alive
You still live
In my thoughts that is
Because if no one cared,
I did
My child, my love
We sang, we danced
My child, my love
Awaken
Then you die
I killed you,
We killed you,
Bloody hands, forever stained
We sang, we danced
Stomping on your grave,
Beating myself up,
Beating myself up,
Beating myself up,
I've cried, I cry
My tears, your tears
Lets dance , no dance
If no one else
I cared

My insanity is my sanity

My happiest moment disappeared
Vanished
So quick
Left no trace
Replaced by heavy breathing
Weighed down chest
Lubricated eyes
Tightened throat
I want to disappear
And no longer be in existence
A feeling taken over with persistence
What's real is skewed
What do I do
Although I am not
I do feel so alone
God please save me from me

Share

I don't share nor do I play well with others ;) ... Just the way it is.

Stone

I sure cant cast the first one..
So Lord I'm praying everyday to become a better person.

Life line

I feel like I'm suffocating, like what today brings is not enough,
And tomorrow is sure to be rough,
I feel like I'm sinking
Emotions flare and they have no reason,
Cold tears and its not my season,
I'm dying slowly on the inside, I'm falling apart,
Screams muffled, aching heart,
My prayers seem to be stunted,
I can't get one out,
Where is my God now,
To transform my doubt?
I need a push, a hand, a life line,
Mine is about to end,
I'm crying harder now.....
Blurry vision, gasping for air,
What did I do to myself?
Another traumatic event,
I was fine I swore,
And now I hate myself,
I hate myself!
God doesn't give us more then we can handle,
But I sure know how to push myself over the edge,
My eyes are stinging now, burning isn't the word,
Emotions stirring...
And they have no reason.
It's just me by myself with no where to go,
God hear my screams, Lord hear my pleas
Save me from me!

Dislike

Dislike is not the word.
This was a test and we failed.

Learned

You learn allot about people when you are going through. Hurts but this is a lesson learned. A huge one! When out of this situation there is no going back.

I don't

I don't really want to do this.
My thoughts go back and forth.
I'm in a bad space a bad place.
Because I don't really want to do this.
I want things to exist
I want them to stay
I don't want to do this!
Silence....
Everyone disappears...
I'm gone. Non existent
I ended it all

Tired

I'm tired.

Dear Dad

Lets talk. Lets catch up on the past 25 years of my like and the interruption you made after the first 16. At age five it didn't count and still to this day I am the only child that is willing to hear you out. Lets go to the park and find the perfect sunny bench face each other and converse about life. Lets laugh at the good times and smile at the bad, because they almost always transform into the good.  Put your arm around me and tell me that I am the most beautiful girl in your world and how you'd never leave me. How you'd protect me at all cost. Tell me that I am the most important person in your life. How you'd never put anyone before me. Wipe the tears off of my cheek when I expose my broken heart one thousand times over.
Dad let me say that you are the only guy in my eyes that can do the things that you do. Let me tell you how I don't think any man could ever compare to you Dad. And when I make mistakes in life sit me down and give me that look and share with me the secret that only you and I know. Which is "things happen but it's ok as long as the lesson was learned."
Tell me about those boys that keep calling for me. Share with me the guy code so that I will always know that they are only after one thing. I know Dad, I am better than that. Dad lets get up off of that park bench and go to our favorite restaurant and share our favorite meal.
And when I grow up Dad I want to call you and tell you about the new man in my life. I want to tell you about all of the wonderful things that have come to exist in the few years that I have grown into a woman. I want your opinion on what I should do when my relationship hits rocky times. Your opinion of him. And what I should do next. Hey Dad you want to meet him? Because you know they all have to get your approval first.
Dad my child who is the most important person in my life is the best thing that could have happened to me. Want to meet her? But you know what dad her life is filled with so much love it's unbelievable.
What I've come to realize over the years dad.
Is that this letter will never reach you.
I've said Dad more times in this letter than I've said in my entire life.
I don't hate you and I forgive you..
But I still wish you filled in that void you left when you walked out of the door.
When you left us behind and started a new life.

Ramble

I can't quite get done what needs to get done so I'm going to ramble on.
I made a decision today to let go of toxic relationships. I had a moment of clarity that brought me to the realization that I don't have to put up with other peoples stuff. I decided that those who bring me out of my character time and time again, are no longer welcome in my circle. I'm sitting here with work to do and still haven't transitioned from this blog to my work. I have so much on my mind and letting so little out. Almost as if my thoughts are locked up and I can't find the key to open the door. It's a love hate feeling because a part of me feels stuck and the other part feels that once my thoughts flow, there is something great hidden beneath all that flows.
I'm at a place right now where going right or even left seems unappealing by the second. Like I need to escape the realities of it all.
I need to cry endless tears.
So that I can get back to what I know, what I do.
I'm having a moment ..