Fade to black

When it gets too crazy, all things fade to black. You see nothing, you feel nothing. You become numb. Numb becomes a bliss. It becomes your happy place. It becomes your happy. You become impulsive and self satisfaction is what you begin to seek out. To patch up the hurt, the pain that cut you so deep. The image never fades, as all things fade to black. Like a drug, you seek your drug. Waiting for the next fix to numb it all. Happy creeps back. The rush tingles through your veins. THEN all things fade to black.

Void

My lungs are constricted,

My breaths are short,

Everything is spinning, everything is a blur, 

I fight back tears that exist with no understanding, 

I'm fighting back the urge to respond to the urge, 

When do we truly understand our thoughts to be the direction of an ultimate plan, 

When does clarity exist and this weight get lifted,

Its clenching my throat, like a fist of fire,

Eyes bulging not giving in,

But giving into the idea of letting go,

And fading away, 

Like a mist creeping backwards beyond the crack of the door,

A mysterious fog, 

That We ask no more of, 

I've found my voice my tone, 

Buried deep,

Beneath my misery,

In moments of dispair I am my loudest, 

I am my happiest, 

I am no longer hidden, 

But I shine like the silent ocean at sunset, 

That no one questions,

Yet stare in adoration at it mysterious beauty. 

Anger

I am angry. I am angry with him. No matter how much I try to show him my pain. HE does not care.
I share what is hurting me but he does not care.
He must succumb to his weakness and have his fun.
My tears mean nothing and I am growing cold.
I am growing a hate for this love.
This love is hurting me and crumbling me.
It is stuck in my throat forcing its way through the pressure.
To come up and out of a great amount of ....
I hate this I hate this I Hate this
I try to love I try to push it out.
I am growing cold.
I type with anger.
HE does not know how to be loved and to see love.
My love is pressous and kind.
He does not cherish it.
He does not hear it.
He does not care.
He does not know.
I Hate I hate
I am hurting
I am hurting
Every day
I wish he would crumble away.

Forget

I don't need you. But I'm still here because I want to be. 

I just want to be happy

Numb

I lie to myself everyday to make it feel better,
A temporary numb,
Then it comes back,
so I swallow it thinking I will digest the moments,
then they sit in my stomach and rot,
creating a belly ache of lies and deception,
Then I cry it out so they can exit with my tears,
and erase the mere thought of everything good and bad,
I'd like to erase everything and everyone,
I'd like to start over and go back,
To my thoughts of happy and little girl fairytale dreams,
I want the chance to walk away before it happened,
before they happened,
I don't want the chance to relive hurt over and over again,
I am battling love and deceit,
Tugging and pulling me,
I feel like I am going to rip right down the middle,
I want to believe that the possibilities are not real,
I want to be respected and I want to heal,
I want finally a man in my life who is honest,
starting with my dad,
I want for you to not make me feel so sad,
I hear the stories over and over,
Women have dealt for years,
and we remain true,
So when does my honest reward me,
with someone who is true,
Must I go down in history as the rest?
HELL NO!
I will rewrite my path,
Karma is something else,
But there is no revenge in my heart,
I just want a fresh start,
Love conquers all,
does not mean the love from the one who hurt you in my world,
But the love from those who actually care for you and about you,
The ones who do not want to see you hurt,
or crumble inside,
Immaturity plays its part on every ones soul,
But like a child we all know better,
So God place me in a better place please,
Guide me to be closer to you,
and further from man,
who is capable of so much,
so much damaging pain,
My trust is not in man ever,
but it is in you,
These tears,
No man gets the satisfaction of indulging in such a delicate experience,
These tears are a cry for you,
My happiness is unheard of,
it goes missing at times,
So please bring me back to that place,
The place where you want me. 

Rained portrait

I had this canvas painting,
a beautiful one,
The trees stood tall,
It was early to mid fall,
The leaves trickled down to the breath of the earth,
The sky so perfect soon to winter it was giving birth,
The sun captured a radiant glow,
on this canvas painting laid out for show,
I'd sit and stare and engulf myself in the moment,
because it sent me beyond reality,
I was happy,
In this painting I found my true happiness,
I gave it my all,
Every second of my attention belonged to it,
I'd lay at night and smile,
Knowing that it would never disapear,
It was my one true wonder,
Then one day it rained,
The drops trickled down my wall,
daring to touch what I'd always called my own,
This beautiful portait ever so true,
The colors intwined creating new art,
that was confusing and crazy,
Insanity at its best,
my trees melted into muddy oblivion,
my sun was a fierce flame that scored its way through grey skies,
Where had my peace gone,
the creation of a new dawn,
a new day.

Betrayal

You love, and then you love more fearlessly,

Letting down your guard because you believe love conquers all,

And with it we can get through anything,

But what happens when the heart that contains all of your love is ripped out of your chest,

Thrown down and stomped on,

What happens when that love stings,

Sending shooting pains through out your veins,

When love becomes betrayal,

When trust dies and hate is birthed,

Does love conquer all?

Or does it watch us fall,

Do we breath through the pain,

Adhering to what we knew to be true,

But is it true anymore?

What do we have after this?

The world we once knew can no longer exist,

When lies persist,

I was betrayed and lied to,

My life and health was put at risk,

My love was put on the line of fire,

Just when I thought we were reaching higher,

If this is love and what we so impatiently seek to fall into,

I wonder if I truly seek to be apart of that club of wonders and unknowns,

Fairy tales were child’s play,

Reality strikes eventually through the dawn of the day,

And I question so many things,

Why do we risk it all for that butterfly tingle?

And the in between the sheets mingle,

We gamble our hearts with high hopes of a win,

But our chances of such luck have always been thin,

 Like love this has no ending,

And with this letter my heart I am sending.